get outta my already jeeez

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 03:05:01 GMT

so. i meet the requirements for night school in the fall. im so happy =] now i can focus on work and saving money instead of eight hour school days. i put in a billion apps today...so keep your fingers crossed i hear some good word back.
i went to my little brothers first baseball game. we got our ass's kicked 22 to 2, but it was adorable watching uncoordinated boys running around not knowing which screaming parent to listen to. there was this one dad though, he followed the team and all the players and stood by first like he was a coach. i always take not of controling people. i've lived around them my whole life, so i can point em out fairly easy. but this dude was off the charts. he had to be a part of every disscussion. every play. it was ridiculous.
i endded up caving in and texting adam last night. no text back. what can you really expect from a selfabsorbed, conceited jackass though.
Shawn, the crazy fuck that got me arrested and nearly killed last summer called me like fifteen mintues ago. he wanted me to go to the baseball game wiht him tomorrow. i love baseball...its like, right under sex in my top pasttimes. [sex being number two after writing] so it was hard to turn down...but unfortunetly for my naive little girl inside me, i have grown the ability to think before i act. and i cant lie for shit anymore. so theres two strikes. the third? i love my life. and i will never get with his dumbass again.
M has been getting on my nerve lately. everythings always about her. sadly though, my deepest darkest secrets are sitting next to her under the passenger seat. literally. and i've gotta get em back. and i dont wanna leave her. i love the girl you know? she's just wearin my ass thin. idk.
things are constantly changing and shifting. mayeb this is just a phase...
my birthday's in nine days. im so psyched!!! all i really wanna do though, is see adam.
i dont wanna get high (well, i do but...) i dont wanna go out on the town. i dont wanna do shit. i just wanna spend the weekend with adam. laying in that water bed. watching some stupid annoying movie keeping me up till one am cause he cant sleep with the t.v off. thats what i want.
i guess im off to bed. tomorrows thursday. these weeks have been flying by.
i dont really know if anyone reads these anyway, but sweet dreams =]

peace&&love

well. lift your glass's to my first post

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:36:25 GMT

well. Brandon's six months is in two days. i can't believe he's been gone this long. i cant even believe he's gone at all. i want everyone and anyone who ever reads this that suicide is NOT the answer. and if your thinking about it, whether i know you or not im here for you. with that said...
i wanna get a few things straight, i need people to converse with me on here. i want insight and other peoples opinions. so please let me know whats up. i need some other ideas about life cause whatever it is ive been thinking and believing hasnt gotten me very far. so the windows open.

im thinking about looking into Buddhism. its based off karma and karma is the only thing i have a true genuine faith in. so i guess we'll see how that goes. my moms friend and me had some stuff goin on ending around this time last year. ive been lookin at him lately with that devious little grin in my eye. i dont think its gonna get anywhere cause it never does. but ive been pondering it lately. and speaking of pondering. my ex's friend creeped into my dreams last night. it was heated and very unexpected. but now i cant get him off my mind. my desire of passion has been bursting lately. the only thing is i want someone good and steady. tell me where you can find that lol. i wanna make the statement that my ex fucking hates me. [he thinks he has reason, but he only knows 1/16 of the things ive done that could give him incentive] but for the past few days we've been chatting pretty consistantly. i know he wont be around for that long. he never is, he has my heart hanging by threads like this all the time. but as all young girls find themselves, im living in a false hope. it pretty much fucking sucks.
I'm planning my trip to branson with Lea over the summer. i still cant believe shes pregnant. i always wanted kids really young. i thought i did anyway. but looking back, and even now, if i had a kid do you know how fucked my life would be?
exeptionally fucked.
ive been following the news lately. this world is scaring the shit out me lately. all these mass amounts of homicides and suicides and deaths at anything. the birth rise is dramatically rising. infact, we're supposed to see a bigger boom then after WWII. thats not good. somethings wrong in the atmosphere. somethings out of place and its bothering my soul. this Swine stuff is freaking me out pretty bad too. i dont know whats going on. but i need some security. some assurence that the worlds gonna see through all this stuff.
what if the world really does end up ending in 2012 though? i mean. no offense against anyones veiws, i have nothing against black people. [but politcally i didnt want obama.] but we have the first black man in office. we've got an outbreak in disease. the list goes on and on. im just truely terrified the end could be within reach.
the saddest part though? all i can think about is how i dont wanna end this life without adam mine again.
the world could be ending and this is all im concerned about.
go figure.

Title Coming Soon♥

get outta my already jeeez

well. lift your glass's to my first post